Amazing Grace!

I was born in East London on the 25th of September 1968. My father and mother divorced when I was still young so have very little memories of my father in my life. My mother remarried when I was about 5 years old . My step father and my mother had settled in place called Botley outside of Southapton around this time too. I started to go to Sunday School regularly. I enjoyed hearing the Bible stories, although I didn't understand much about them. We were also taught a little about Jesus & The Holy Ghost, which used to scare me as I was terrified of ghosts. At the time this had very little impact on me spiritually.

I also started going to Botley Church of England Primary School. But I never mixed well at school and always felt like a loner. As I grew up into my teenage years my relationship with my step-father went down hill. He became an alcoholic and abusive to me and my mother. He tried to make a man out of me- but by telling me that I wasn't to cry any more, and not letting my mother hug me. I suppose that this added to normal teenage problems. One day when I was 14, I remember clearly waking up one morning, and the world was different. I saw everything with new eyes, and everything was gray and ugly- I hated it all. The few friend that I had shared this view, and we wanted to shock and rebel. I got into Nazism as a way of shocking my grandparents and parents who still remembered the Second World War. I also became interested with anything that I found romantic and rebellious from highwaymen, Pirate to terrorists and so on. Our little group of social outcasts talked only at school about what we were getting into- rebellion, horror films and rock music. I started to follow a group called "Adam and the Ants" mainly because they portrayed and fed my interest in these rebel characters. Their "Ant Manifesto" was all about native American Spiritualism, sexual perversions, futurist art movement from Italy and the dark side of life. One of their influences would later become a major factor in my life... Jim Morrison.

I can look back on my life now, and see the emptiness that I felt, and how I tried to fill it with anger and hatred. All of the things I was getting deeper and deeper into at this time while looking for something to satisfy me, were only making me more and more empty. I hope that if there are any young people reading this, feeling empty, that they will come to the only true source of contentment, Lord Jesus Christ. As I turned 15 I started to get further and further from what I really needed. I started to look more into American Indian Spiritualism and surreal art. As my step-father became more and more distant to me, I looked to films for role models. Rebellious characters, like those played by Marlon Brando and James Dean became my idols. Just before I was 16 my best friend Paul left for another part of the country. He was the only one that I really hung around with outside of school, and it left a big gap in my life. Then the Lord called me for the first time. A Christian family that I knew invited me to see the film "The Cross and the Switchblade" about a New York gang member called Nicky Cruz becoming a christian because of the ministry of David Wilkerson. There was on line in the film where the main character called Nicky Cruz was talking to his friend Isreal & asked him "why the preacher was picking in him?" Isreal replied "because your the worse there is, Nicky!" I felt as that was me he was talking about. I wanted to be "the worse there is" but inside me was a scared little boy longing to be loved and accepted. After the screening there was an invitation to talk to someone about Christ. I felt a pull in my heart to go and talk to someone about Jesus but being so shy and fearful I didn't respond. Right after that I started to get deeper and deeper into Heavy metal and horror.

So, there was I, a rebellious sixteen year old getting into heavy metal bands like Black Sabbath, Dio, Metallica and Iron Maiden. But the group that really caught my attention was called "Motley Crue". Their logo was a pentagram, and they promoted a sleazy rebellious life style that attracted me greatly.I started to really imitate that life style the best I could and decided to follow the devil and what he promoted. To me it all seemed cool, glamorous and rebellious. My moto became "I sold my soul for rock and roll" and called myself a "disciple of metal". I also started to follow other rock bands that came under the banner of sleaze/glam rock. I bought all the records I could get my hands on, I wore the tee-shirts, the black clothes and started to drink in heavy metal pubs, go to every rock concert I could. Rock music was my religion and the rock musicians became my gods, going to a rock concert was like going to church to praise & worship false gods. I was addicted to the satanic rebellious spirit on the music. Little did I know then I was to go on a dark downward spiral into self destruction. I look back now and see that right after I made that decision to follow after Satan and his works, he really came in and started to take control of my life. I am thankful that contracts and promises with Satan aren't binding, but can and are broken by the power of the blood of Jesus Christ.

When I was 18, I was offered a job in London. I could believe how lucky I was! I was so unhappy at home living with my step dad & I was desperate to escape from Southampton. All it had for me was bad memories from my school days & home life. I had always considered London my natural home, and without any hesitation or regret, I left Southampton for the Big City, the Rock concerts, the clubs, the women and the center of my universe, or so I thought.

The job I was offered in London was working in a brewery.. I thought "Free Beer!!" But I wasn't able to work there for long. One day while I was crossing the road I was hit by a van, and hurt both of my wrists badly. With one arm in a plaster cast, and the other sprained very badly, my mother had to come and look after me. . Finally I went to the hospital to have the cast taken off. They warned me to be very careful, my wrist was still very weak. But as soon as I got out of the hospital I was so happy! I was so relieve to be out of the plaster, I shook my wrist... Another month in plaster. I lost my job at the Brewery, but anyway, the beer wasn't all that good & I struggled with time keeping & the rules of the job.

The next job that I had was working as a security guard, but I had to be 19 to start this job. I had a few months to wait before I my birthday, and a received a large amount of compensation from the accident. I wasted the time drinking in different pubs,clubs and getting into the rock group "Guns and Roses" and their debut album "Appetite for destruction", which become the soundtrack to my life for a long time. In London I was pretty much alone but gradually I became part of a group of friends with similar interests. Some of which introduced me to the world of heavy metal/occultic culture. I had friends who called themselves witches and warlocks, wizards and they told me about the occult and spiritual world. I wasn't really interested in this, but listened anyway with a slight interest. I had started my job by now, and at this time I started to get into the most amazing thing in my life up to that time...Drugs.

My new friends introduced me to so called "soft" drugs, cannabis and marijuana. These opened doors in my mind. My senses were heightened, and I could see that there was so much more to life than what I had known before. I started to experiment with these drugs, mixing them with alcohol, but soon the buzz from this wasn't enough. I wanted to see more, and to explore what was out there. So I moved on to LSD. It was the most wonderful experience that I had ever had, until I accepted Lord Jesus Christ into my life. My whole perception of life changed as I entered into the spiritual world. I became obsessed with finding out the limits of this new world. My taste in music changed as I started to follow Jim Morrison and his band "The Doors". Morrison was known as "the electric shaman", "the lizard king" and "the high priest of LSD" I also looked into the LSD culture of the 1960s. I read stuff on Dr Timothy Leary, Ken Casey, Jack Kerouac and Alan Ginsburg. These were the founders of the Beatnik culture, and the explorers and pioneers into the psychedelic world that drugs opened up in the mind. I decided I was going to follow in their footsteps. I was also looking for true love but couldn't find it. I moved from one girlfriend to another searching for my soul mate. I can see now that I was doomed to failure, no relationship based on the evil of selfish lust can truly last.

After about 4 years in my job as a security guard I left. I found the dress code -short cut hair, smartly turned out- to restrictive for the rebel image that I was getting into. I was offered a job at a building site that I was guarding, and I jumped at the chance to grow my hair long, and dress as I wanted. But I soon found that I was unable to hold down any job. This what because of the rebellious and disrespectful attitude I had. I was getting into the Doors and Jim Morrison, searching for the truth. I laugh at myself now, but at the time I was deadly serious as I imitated Jim Morrison. I dressed like him, acted like him, and ended up calling myself "The Lizard Prince". I would tell people "Hey I am Morrison Re-incarnated". "But" they would protest "You were born before he died!" "Don't cloud the issue! His spirit lives on in me, the Lizard Prince!" I was possessed!. Eventually the friends that I had drifted away from me, and I became a recluse, alone on drugs and listening to my music, searching for hidden meanings. I only had two cares- to be happy at any cost, and for my next drugs high. I became unemployable, and for a while lived with one on my girlfriends. Eventually when we split up and I could no longer live at her house, I was homeless. I moved from woman to woman - basically I went home with any female who would give me food, drugs and a bed. After a few months my uncle asked me to look after a house for him until it was sold.

I had no where else to go, so I took up the offer. I moved in, and really became a recluse. I had low funds, but even so found just enough money to spend totally on cigarette, drugs and drink addictions. Soon after I moved in, my Mother and Step father gave me a large amount of money to put down as a deposit to get my own flat. This money helped me to stay high. I met a girl called Angela and I thought that I had finally found my soul mate, and true happiness would follow. I was, however, a druggie and alcoholic- I was caught in a depressive cycle. The more I drank and took drugs to combat my depressed state, the more depressed I became. I was getting lower and lower, I saw that my life was going on a downwards spiral, and there was no way out. Suicide seemed best, but my fear of hell kept me from killing myself. Then God called to me again.

One day my real father knocked on the door. I don't know how he found my address, but there he was, inviting me to come and stay with him for a while in Scotland. I remember traveling up on the train to Glasgow after a night partying- I was hung over, bleary eyed and out of it. I arrived at the station in my skin tight black jeans, leathers, chains, ear rings and heavy black eyeliner. I can clearly see my fathers face falling as he realized that this wasted rock and roll punk before him was his son. But he took it bravely enough, and opened him home to me. My father had become a Christian and at the time he introduced me to some young Christians. I could see that there was something a little different about them in that they seemed really happy being "Christians" but yet at the same time they was worldly & took me to a night club where they drank, smoked & danced to raunchy music. and I wanted to know what it was that made them happy despite of their lukewarmness but the spirits that were inside me made me mock and make fun of what I heard when they tried to talk to me about God. After a few days I couldn't take it any longer, and left for London, desperate for drugs. I was frustrated, finding no answers. I remember a conversation that I had with my father, when he asked me "What are you going to do with your life?" I said, "I only want to get high... I will be dead by thirty" I told him that I had no life, I was trash. He told me "God doesn't make trash, God has made you for a reason". He also told me that God had his finger on my life. I just laughed in my mind, for I knew that I was hell bent, and just wanted the most pleasure that I could have out of this rotten life... drugs, sex and drink.

Back in London, my depression grew. I became more and more desperate, searching in music and books for some meaning to my life. But it was all empty. So empty that one night I way laying on my bed, crying, and I cried out "Save me Lord, or take me Satan". Nothing happened. But I believe that God heard that prayer, because looking back, He started to work on me from that point. But I didn't know it at the time, and so I carried on searching the music of my god Jim Morrison for the answers that I needed, especially in one song I played all the time because I considered it to be my personal anthem "Break on through (to the other side). But there was nothing there for me.

Eventually the house that I was meant to be minding for my uncle was due to be sold. I was kicked out a few weeks early to give my uncle a chance to tidy it up, far from looking after his house, I had trashed it. I would have been destitute, homeless and jobless out on the streets of London, but for my mother. She heard about my situation, and came up from Southampton, and took me back home with her. I had been in London for about 8 years, and was in a far worst state leaving it than when I had arrived . I was addicted to drugs, rock and roll, and alcohol.

My Mother found me a shared house in Southampton. She also requested prayer for me with some Christian friends that she knew. One couple told her of a young Christian around my own age, who had been saved from a similar background- drugs, heavy metal and so on. She persuaded me to meet him. His name was Peter Mark, but as we talked we found out that we had gone to the same school, the same class! It turned out to be my best friend Paul, who had left to go to the Isle of Wight. We had both changed so much- he had changed his name as well that we didn't recognize each other. From that time Peter did his utmost to convert me. Whenever we met, he spoke to me about the goodness of Jesus, and how I could be set free. It was strange, whenever I was at my most depressed and low, I would bump into him. This continued until I was saved.

The Family that lived in the house I moved into had had some other lodgers. One of whom was called James. James and I soon found out that we had a lot in common, drugs, drink and The Doors music. He introduced me to his drugs circle, so I was back in contact with those things far more quickly than I might have been otherwise. That summer I counted as my "Summer of Acid". I spent all the money that I got from Government support and what my mother gave me on drugs and drink. I also made small amounts of money doing little deals with other drug users. I went to Glastonbury, the largest rock concert in Europe. I got very high- a complete weekend of druggie fellowship. I visited my girlfriend in London an few times, and she came down to see me. I was totally happy and secure in my own little world, walking round in a drugged daze looking out at the real world. My mother would bring me food and support me, and she asked me once "How long am I going to have to keep doing this?" I just said "As long as it takes..." I didn't really care about getting a job, or anything.

This went on for about 3 years. But finally my bubble burst. Angela left me. I was totally devastated. I thought that I had finally found true love and happiness, but it was as empty as all of the other times. I now realize that its totally useless to try to find true love outside of the love of Jesus. That weekend I counted my money with another friend, Ben, who had moved into the house some time before. I said that I wanted to go to a club, "pull" some girls, and get some drugs. It seemed almost prophetic- we had exactly the amount of money that we needed. We went to the club, got the drugs that we wanted, and got talking to six girls, who came home with us.

In the early hours of the morning, after the girls had left, Ben and I stayed up in his room talking. Gradually I noticed a strange power build up in the room. I became very uneasy, for I had never experienced anything like this before, in all my time of drug use. Its hard to describe what happened. A wave of power surged through me, trying to take over. I knew that if I gave in to this power that I would surely die. I battled against it, with all my will power. I sat ridged in my chair, tense, and hardly daring to move for fear. I started to hallucinate & lose control of my mind. Ben saw that there was something drastically wrong, i begged him to telephone for an ambulance. They arrived, but when they heard that we had been taking drugs, they wouldn't have anything to do with me. They left, saying that it was a drugs effect, and it would soon wear off. I continued to struggle against these waves of power that wanted to swamp me, but I understood then that it wasn't anything medical, but spiritual. This seemed to help me in my battle and I started to gain control over the power somehow. The ambulance crew must have reported the incident, because shortly after they left a doctor called. She checked me over, and one of the strange things that I remember about it was when she took my pulse, it didn't seem to be matching the rate at which my heart was pounding. Before she left, the Doctor phoned my mothers house, and my mums boyfriend, Dave, came out. When he arrived, I could still feel the surges, but they were nowhere near as intense as when they first started but my mind was still out of control & I couldn't think straight.

When Dave arrived we sat in my room and talked. I poured out all of my problems to him, all that was wrong with my life at that time. He didn't give me any sympathy, but just told me a few hard truths that I couldn't disagree with, then left. By this time the strange power had completely gone. I sat on my bed, thinking about what had happened to me in my life so far. I saw a picture in my minds eye. My whole life lay before me as a sheet of glass. A hand with a hammer in it struck the glass, so that it all shattered. The pieces lay on the ground, each shard of glass an aspect of my life, totally broken up. I felt like someone had torn my soul apart. I saw that I had to put my life back in place. I started crying as I tried to pick up the pieces, and put them back into their position. As I placed each shard in its place, like a jigsaw, my whole life started to make sense to me. Eventually all of the pieces were in place, and in that moment of time, I totally understood what my whole life was about. I realized that I was no longer crying from misery but from joy that everything was all right. I looked up, and in the room, hanging in the air before me was a bright white glowing cross. I rubbed my eyes, not believing what I could see. Was it the lights of the stereo blurring against the moisture in my eyes? But no, it was there. It was real. In that moment of time, I accepted that there was a God, and dedicated my whole life to good, despite how evil I was. I decided that I would be a servant of good, and fight the evil that was in the world. I woke Ben up in his bedroom, and told him, "Everything will be alright " because of what had happened and I cried from the joy and relief I had. Goodness know what Ben must of thought! He'd seen me in many a drugged crazed state.

Without a Christian Godly influence in my life, I went about using the knowledge that I had to fight evil. I knew of the power in Shamanism, and decided that I would tap into that power, and become a "white wizard", using magic and spiritualism for good. Of course, this did nothing for me, as the is no good power in the world outside of the Lord Jesus Christ. So all I had done with my good intentions was trade one form of emptiness for another. I became lonely once more, and depression seemed to follow me around. For a long while I had been prescribed various anti depression tablets, that I had been saving. I was drinking heavily at this time, as well as taking drugs. I started to experiment with the various pills I had been given. I would be drinking 2 bottles of red wine a day, and up to a liter and a half of rum. On top of this I would take 5 or 10 of the anti depressant pills or sleeping pills that I had, and also my drugs. Even though I called myself a Christian, (I thought that if you believed in God you were a Christian), I knew that I was hell bound, because of all the Evil that I had done in the past. I couldn't believe God could forgive me, and I was resigned to my fate. But I had a great fear of hell, which really stopped me from killing myself when I felt suicidal.

But I wanted to see how far I could push the experience of this realm, which is why I used such deadly combinations. I took more and more drugs and pills. For a period of three weeks in particular, I was totally out of this world. I would find myself talking to rooms full of people that I could see and hear, but in empty rooms. I did many strange things that frightened me. I was loosing my mind. I didn't realize how serious a state I was in, until I kicked a wooden clothes horse through a window in anger. When I did this, I dislocated one of my toes, and a friend called an ambulance. When the crew arrived, they took my heart rate, which was incredibly fast due to the build up of drugs in my system. When they heard what I had taken that day, they rushed me to hospital, and hooked me up to a heart monitor. The doctors told me that my heart was on the verge of failing, and if I left hospital I would surely die. This scared me, and when I was released I cut back on these experiments but still took any drugs I could get my hands on. Shortly afterwards I moved out of the house that I had been living in for the past three and a half years, to a new shared house.

The doctors had warned me about Drugs when I left the hospital, and I decided to cut down. But the people in the new house that I moved into were already heavily into drugs, and I was back into my old habits. It seemed that as soon as I had moved in, my spiritual experiences started to intensify. Although I had stopped combining my drugs with the anti depressant pills, I took more and more speed and other drugs. As I did so, my interests in the occult grew. I started to read many different horror books, and as I did so, it seemed to open my eyes to spiritual things. I was searching in these books, and in books about conspiracies and the occult for a special reason. I wanted to find pieces of information to get at the truth of what was going on in the world, and the way to break down that system and conquer it for the powers of goodness. Satan uses anything that he can to introduce his evil demons into people, and all Christians should be very careful about what they are reading.

I started to have strange experiences as I moved back into a world of constant drug use and drug highs. Some of what I am about to share may seem strange. I cannot really explain to anyone what actually happened to me, and what I actually saw. I cant prove that what I am going to relate to you wasn't just drug psychosis. But as a Christian, I believe even more in the spiritual world now than I did then and don't believe that all of this was just a drugged dream. Every Christian needs to be aware of the spiritual world and to remember that we have nothing to fear from it. Jesus Christ is more powerful than any other power. I can only share what happened to me and my experiences that I went through. You may not believe it but bear with me as you read.

One night I was laying on my bed, gradually dozing off. I became aware that I was sitting on the side of my bed, and looking down at my sleeping body. I wasn't scared, as there had been a few times in my past I had seen myself from outside of my body. I found that I started floating about above where I was sleeping, and started to fly around the room. I decided that I wanted to soar into the night sky, but as I reached the window, I saw hideous faces watching me from outside. This scared me so much that I returned to my body. Another time I was speaking to a girl, and we were talking about what I was into. I had taken ecstasy beforehand and found that I knew the questions that she was going to ask before she asked them. I started to place thoughts into her mind, and was able to read and speak what was on her mind.

I started to live in a world of fear and suspicion, feeding my mind on the conspiracy theories. I became convinced that I had stumbled onto the truth of several top secret satanic organizations that were intent on taking over the world, and they were out to get me. I would walk down the street, watching everyone closely incase they were the assassin that had been sent to knock me off before I could reveal the truth. I also had a secret fear that I shared with no one- that one day I would have to meet the Devil himself, and he would claim me as one of his. I believe that I had an experience with Satan. I woke up one morning with a vivid memory of a meeting taking place while I was asleep. I had been in a white room, and saw a shadow. As the shadow came towards me it became a man. I could only see the top half of him, he was very muscular- but his face was beautiful to look at. He spoke to me, and told me that the answers to all of my questions lay in what I was searching into, and to keep searching out those things. I shared this with one of my house mates, and explained that what I had seen was how I had always envisioned the devil.

Another time I started to share with some housemates what I was getting into. We had all been taking a vast amount of speed, and I hadn't slept properly for 3 months. I was sharing about magical numbers and pentagrams. As I was doing so, demons came into the room. One of my friends told me that he felt something. I looked up, and standing behind him was a black shadow. I told him this, and he became very scared. I had been using some paper to draw pentagrams, and show him spiritual equations with magical numbers- he took this paper and started to write strange spiritual writing- some of it I understood, some was very weird. My other housemate was sitting with us in the room, and he was drawing strange demonic pictures of faces and skulls. Many other peculiar things happened that evening, and the demonic present in the house intensified. Eventually I was so frightened that I had to leave. As I left the house, strange voices started talking to me in my head. I needed to find some safe place away from all of these spirits. I went to the nearest church- which was a large catholic one. I went inside to talk to the vicar. As soon as I stepped into the doorway, my whole body flipped out. I couldn't see or talk properly, and was totally confused. I tried to explain to the man I spoke to how the devils were after me, but I was so disorientated that I don't think he understood one word in ten. He told me to come back to speak to someone else, and I left, my head spinning. I went to a friends house from there, and called my mother.

My mother took me to the hospital, suspecting that I had overdosed. As I sat in the waiting room, all I could hear were these voices in my head. I became more and more frantic- there was no escape from them. My mother tried to comfort and reassure me, but all I heard were the voices. As she spoke to me, I heard her calling me Judas, and other terrible names. She wasn't doing this, but the movement of her lips matched exactly what I heard in my mind. I pleaded with her to stop calling me these names. I think that at that time I was the most frightened that I have ever been in my life. I was hysterical and I pleaded with her "Why are you calling me this?" It seemed as if the whole world had rejected me, even my mother but I decided that I would have to trust my mother, no matter what happened, so I stayed with her. When I saw the doctor, he diagnosed "Speed Psychosis" and advised that I rest, and stayed off drugs totally. My mother took me to her house, and looked after me over the next few days. Gradually the voices in my head became less insistent , as I prayed "Lord help me". After 3 days I could handle them, and returned back to my own house. But the voices stayed with me until I came to the Lord.

As a result of this, I started to cut down on my drugs. The experience seemed to change me. I was still empty inside, but stopped seeking the answer in drugs. Although I still took some marijuana and cannabis, I mainly tried to fill my void with partying and girls. It was around this time that I started a job, working in a parcel sorting depot for a courier company. It was amazing that I kept my job, considering the number of days that I would take off sick, and go party instead- not the odd day, but I would take a week off to go on a drug, drink and sex binge. I believe that this was the Lord looking after me, as I still have that job now. Another amazing thing happened, that makes me believe was God looking after me. I was drug dealing to support my habit, and I had a lot of drugs constantly in the house. One day we were raided by the police. The day before the raid, or one day after, they would have found enough evidence to put me into jail for a minimum of three years, but on the day they came, the house was totally clean. The police confiscated the few drug related items that were there, and moved on. God certainly looks after those He chooses, even when they care little for Him, and are in the depths of sin. How I love Him for that! Shortly after this, I had problems with the land lord, and moved out into a guest house.

I moved into a guest house nearby. None of the other people in the house were into drugs at all, so I kept my habit limited to my bedroom. At this time as well I became disillusioned with the drug scene in general. I just saw so clearly the bad side of human nature that was involved in it - bad deals, backstabbing and the nastiness of the people that I had known. I really cut back on my drinking and drugs- I only would take drugs out of habit, not to trying to experiment or push the limits any more. I kept myself to myself because of this, and work became the only time I would see other people. I would sit in my room listening to my heavy metal music, and taking speed or cannabis. But this didn't stop me having some more spiritual encounters.

One time I remember in particular - I was just in my room "chilling". I was listening to dark heavy music, bands like Korn, The Deftones, Alice in chains. I was just laying on my bed, doodling. I started drawing strange pictures as once again the room I was in became darker and darker. In the darkness about me I saw slithery shapes flitting about above me. These dark "eel" type shadows raced around the room as the darkness became more oppressive. The Bible talks of an "heavy darkness", and I think that is the way that I would describe it. The shadows started to dive in at my body and face, only pulling up at the last possible moment. I was terrified. I called out "Lord help me!". Instantly the darkness and shapes disappeared. My body was renewed as well. When you take speed, the effects remain in your system for up to two weeks, and usually I would take more drugs to counter the effects of coming down off it. But this time all the side effects (lack of sleep, depression, and a "dirty" feeling) vanished instantly. I felt totally rested and cleaned up. I am so glad that God was looking after me despite my sinful life and gradually showing me the futility of the life that I was leading.

Around this time I visited Amsterdam, but a few months before that I cut my hair. It had just seemed to be getting in my way more and more, and had started to feel dirty and out of place. So one day I went to the hairdressers, and had it trimmed to shoulder length. I went to Amsterdam on the coach. It was something that I had always wanted to do. In Amsterdam so called "soft drugs" are legal to buy in drug cafes. There is also a thriving sex industry, all legalized by the Government there in a long term experiment. It was here that two interesting things happened to me. Firstly, I realized how much of a Godless place Amsterdam was. As I walked around the sights of the city, I became totally repulsed by the seedy culture that was there. The people I met there seemed totally cold and without normal compassion. I had already become totally disillusioned with the drugs and the drug scene back at home, and now the whole of the so called "best" in pleasure that the world could offer became empty to me. whilst I was in Amsterdam I visited the sex museum there and something really struck me there. It wasn't just how repulsed and disgusted I was by the unseemly things I saw on display or how cold & unemotional I found it all. It was some some little carvings of the devil or devils in various disgusting acts dated over 2000 years old. When I saw those little figures it really brought home to me about sin. How the devil since time begun has perverted things. There was something so very evil about them it made me shudder. I had a real revelation of God & the devil as reality in such a powerful way, of the two forces of good & evil. I found this so striking because of my strange experiences before and yet I had never experienced this revelation!. I thought it strange I had this revelation in such a place but now as a christian I know God can talk to us anywhere, no matter how strange the place or situation.

After I came back from Amsterdam, I was very unsettled. I moved out of the house I was in, to another shared house. But the darkness that I had experienced continued to follow me around. I took less and less drugs, hoping that this would stop it. My life became more and more empty. The things that I had been into before, and that I had really put my trust into deserted me. The Shamanism that I had been so interested in no longer held my attention. No music satisfied me, it was all just noises on the air. I even lost interest in the Doors and Jim Morrison, which had been a part of my life for so long. I had never felt such a emptiness in my life before. My life seemed to be so void of 'something' I could not place. One day I decided for some unknown reason to me at the time that I had to totally clean my life out. I knew that I had unclean spirits in me, and I wanted deliverance from them. I was walking down the road, and I saw a large Catholic Church. I went in, hoping that they could help me, but no one was there. Coming out disappointed I carried on walking down the street. And who should I meet coming the other way, but Peter Mark.

Peter was the friend that had been trying to convert me to the Lord since I had moved back to Southampton. He hadn't seen me come out of the church, but he was there when I needed him. He invited me back to his house, and there I shared with him my problems. I told him that I was now a Christian (I though that you only had to believe in God to be one). I shared with him how that I was lost, and beyond salvation because of all the sins I had committed. I told him how I just wanted peace and deliverence from the demons that tormented me. He just listened without saying too much. After i had finished he said "God still Loves you" and something like "God can forgive you of All your sins. Peter invited me to come to church with him. I felt inside that he was blackmailing me, not helping me just to get me to go to his church,. But I kept on putting it off for several months saying "I'm not ready yet" whenever he asked me. Of course this was just a excuse

For the months following I was really in limbo. I had lost contact with all of my drug friends, and since Angela, wo had left me a a few years previous I looked on all women as not worth my time and thought they all was a unrepeatable name . Peter Mark was the only contact that I had, and I spent more and more time with him. I was really living in torment. I would smoke the marijuana that I had, and restlessly move around, not knowing what to do with myself. I would visit Peter and talk with him. As we talked I would always end up crying & think to myself.. what is wrong with me? crying like this in front of Peter. Peter would ask me faithfully "Are you coming to church this week?" "Later" or "I'm not ready yet" I would always reply. After Peter asking again "Are you coming to church this week with me?" I said "yes!" to my surprise. I wanted to keep my word to him but there was something inside me seemed to be urging me to go this time although I was struggling with it. It was to became the happiest day of my life...

Gradually I became aware that people were standing around me talking. Its hard to remember exactly what happened at this time, I was totally out of myself. I don't know if I was laughing, or crying, or both or anything! Eventually though, I got up, and looked on the world with totally new eyes. It was as if everything in my old way of life had been out of focus, and now I could see. When I got up I knew that God had come into my life, and I accepted Him as my Saviour. I had such a wonderful release, and I knew that Jesus had come into my life. I felt a 'high' like I had never felt before, this was a different high thought, a clean pure spiritual high. As we walked out of the meeting room into the bright afternoon sun Peter Mark held up his hand to give me a high five. I was so joyous and hyper with the wonderful new life I had that, I slapped him so hard he was rubbing his stinging hand for the rest of the day.

As we talked Peter told me that when he had started praying for me, and I had collapsed, black smoke had come pouring out of my mouth. I believe that was the demon presences leaving me. Jesus not only set me free from the demons that I had, but he had set me free from my old sinful self. I thought that I was so lost in sin, and believed that I had separated myself from God by the things that I had done, but Jesus proved me wrong. How I praise Him for showing me this. Later that night I phoned my mother, and told her that I had given my life to the Lord. We both wept with pure Joy!. My life from that time totally changed.

Now Jesus had come into my life I wanted to clean up my life for Him. I learned from The Word I had to repent of my old sins & turn away from my old carnal wordly pleasures. I threw away hundreds of pounds worth of music, books and videos. My heavy metal Tee-shirts went into the bin, as well as all of the Shamonistic "dream Catchers" and Occult Talismans. My old friends were horrified as I threw into the rubbish bins my large collection of rock/heavy meatal CDs . "I could have had that!!" was something that a lot of people told me, but I just replied "I don't want to pass the curse on the music on to you", and carried on destroying the works of Satan. I started to attend a local Pentecostal church, and moved in Christian Circles. There were a few things that still botherd me.. I was still addicted to marijuana and cigarettes, but I was told not to worry, God would take them from me eventually. My landlady for some reason took a real dislike to me. I don't what the reason was, it wasn't because I was now a christian as she didn't know about my new way of life and eventually kicked me out of the house. I didn't want to go into another house with drug users- in fact, I wanted to go into a totally Christian house. I prayed that God would give me a Christian place to move in to.

While I was looking for a new home, I had several more unusual experiences. I don't know exactly what they were, but I believe it has something to do with God ridding my life of all the little devils that were dwelling with me. If you remember the dark shadows that floated about me- well, once again I saw them. For several weeks as I was dropping off to sleep the room would get dark again. Then I would feel as if I were being punched all over my body. It seemed like these dark eel slithers were dive-bombing me. Another time, in a prayer meeting I felt as if someone was bouncing a medicine ball up and down on my stomach, and pushing something out of me. Each time it hit me I grunted- other people told me to "shush- others are praying- " but there was nothing that I could do. Eventually the Lord delivered me from all of this. From a friend in Church I heard about a house that was owned by a missionary couple who were over seas, and taking tenants. I moved into this house. There was space for three people, and shortly afterwards a young lad called Derek moved in. Derek was a quite lad, and kept himself to himself. When we started to talk I thought that he was a bit weird. He had some strange beliefs about Christianity that I had not heard before. As we shared what he told me seemed very odd compared to what I had heard before. He had views on things like the correct water baptism in the Name of Lord Jesus Christ, the trinity of three persons in one Godhead is devil inspired false man-made doctrine, Christian Rock/Pop Music is not really christian because it has the same evil spirit on it as worldly rock music, how christian men should conduct themselves and how Christian women shouldn't cut their hair and wear make up etc. But he always seemed to go back to the Bible to show me scriptually these things. As I started sharing what Derek told me at my local church, I got some very strange looks & reactions.

After a few months, Derek invited me to visit his church. It was a totally new experience for me and unlike any of the Churches that I had been in before. One thing that really stood out was the preaching of The Word. It was almost totally opposite to the church that I was going to. In my church there was a lot of singing and praising, dancing in the spirit, but very little ministry. In Derek's church there wasn't so much of the loudness and praise, but the whole service was centered around the sermon that the minister gave. I started to become hungry for the Word, and wanted to learn more about God in a "hard core" way as I called it. Derek started to tell me about a man called William Branham. According to Derek he was a Prophet. He gave me some reading material from William Branham, and my first thoughts were "Where is all the love in this?!" It seemed full of condemnation and rebuke. But once again, it all seemed to have a scriptural basis. William Branham always went back to The Word! All the condemnation and rebuke turned out to be The Lord correcting His church through His prophet, I discovered by reading my Bible. I was just used to "God is Love and He loves you just as you are" and thats all there is to it. Of course there is a lot of truth to that but God expects His children to grow & mature in Him through His Word.

I started to go to Derek's church more and more. I didn't change churches after all the church I was at were the ones that had started me off in my Christian life but I did become more and more unhappy with what I was hearing there. I asked people that I respected what they thought of the things Derek was showing to me but this just caused problems. One person ripped up a paper concerning some Bible doctrines taught by Bro. Branham, that I showed him, telling me that it was the "work of the Devil" but Derek gave me another one. The more hostility I got from people about it, the more that I noticed something. These people never used scriptures to show me how it was wrong, but relied on reasoning and emotions. This had the effect of driving me closer to the things Derek was teaching me in The Bible. After 6 months the couple returned to the house, and I moved into another Christian home. Derek and I promised to meet up, but I didn't see him for about two months after this.

I moved in with a Church of England lady who was letting rooms. Derek had left me with a few books of the "message of the hour" that Bro.Branham had given. As I read them, I found that there was so many differences between the Bible and the Church I was at, that I stopped going to church. I felt as if I was like Paul in the wilderness. God was revealing to me about the Bible, and about the Prophet. I had to forget most of what I had been taught before, and learn from scratch again. Eventually I got back in contact with Derek. He continued to give me more books, taped sermons of Bro. Branham and shared with me about what God said in His Word. Derek also one day told me a story about a eagles egg being hatched among some chicken eggs in a farmyard..(Please click Here to read the story). When I heard this story I knew God was in it & was talking directly into my heart. When Derek had finished telling me the story, I said to him "thats about me, isn't it? I claim that story for me!" As it turned out hearing that story was a very imporant event in my Christian walk. I was at the verge of leaving church & christianity as it had no hold on me and the christians I was mixing with seemed no different to wordly people. They was drinking alcohol in bars/pubs, smoking, some even smoking pot and they cussed. I knew it was wrong but they seemed to have no conviction about it. Later I was to read it was a story Bro. Branham told to make a very spiritual point. Around this time my landlady really took a dislike to Derek. She thought that he was trying to induct me into some cult, which of course was the complete opposite. She thought Derek was going to sink his claws into next. Eventually she banned him from the premises, and called in one of her ministers to try to talk me out of the message. But God had spoken to me and revealed His Vindicated Truth to me.Shortly after she asked leave her house. It wasn't because of what I believed though, it was about one of her family wanting to move in with her.

After being given my notice by my landlady, the Lord led me to a nice house that I shared with a Christian man called Andrew. He had mental health problems and living with him was a challenge but the Lord used him to teach me lots of proper Christian values like charity, compassion, patience & kindness. As well as this Lord was gradually moving on me over the ministry of William Branham that Derek had shared with me. I prayed about the books that I was reading of his, and also the ministry that I was receiving at church. As I read the Bible and Bro.Branham's books I came more and more to see that there was no difference between them. I saw the different scriptures concerning the seventh angel of Revelations 10:7 messenger, that was to come before the return of Jesus. I came to believe that Brother Branham was a Prophet sent by the Lord for this purpose. I finally stopped going to my old church, and decided to become a regular at fellowship Derek went to. I really enjoyed the ministry that I got there- I still go to this church. The Lord also spoke to me about true Christian baptism, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I had been baptized when I was first a Christian, but felt that I hadn't understood it fully, so I was re-baptized.

During this time also the Lord was ministering to me a great deal. I still was smoking & desperately trying to kick the habit. I was constantly praying to be delivered of my last addiction and found that I was throwing away more cigarettes than I was smoking. I must have said countless times "OK, This is my last cig", only to pick up the habit again. But on New Years Eve 1998 I was alone at home seeing in the new year. At 11:40pm I said to God " OK God this is my last ever cigarette!" and smoked my last Marlboro. I prayed out the old year, prayed in the new year and went to bed. The next day, January 1st, I awoke and found that I didn't need a morning cigarette. I didn't smoke all day and this continued day after day. It suddenly struck me that I didn't even have the desire to smoke. Without any withdrawals symptoms, or nicotine cravings, I had actually forgotten I had ever smoked in the first place. It certainly felt like that I never had! The Lord had completely delivered me from smoking, to the point that I actually struggled accept my deliverance because of that feeling of never having smoked. I am so thankful to God for delivering me from that awful addiction as I know myself could of never have stopped. Now I cannot say when or what happened but I lost all desire to drink alcohol and to smoke marijuana. I cannot give a definite testimony as I can about smoking but by Faith I believe I was also delivered from drug and alcohol addiction, all I can say is at some point I just stopped & never thought about it again and then forgot about it!.

I also around this time was becoming aware of something that nearly made walk away from the Lord. The day I had given my life to the Lord & accepted Jesus as my savior, someone prayed for me that I would speak in something called tongues. Within minutes of giving my life I was praying or speaking in this very strange tongue. I was told that this was to show that I was filled with the Holy Spirit and truly saved. However, I was to learn this was not so by the message of the hour revealing the Truth in The Bible. God had showed me I was not filled but justified & being sanctified. I was devastated. I felt as if I had spent about 3 years for nothing and was ready to call it a day. But something deep within me kept me from walking away. Instead of quitting I gained a hunger and urgency to receive the baptism of the Holy Ghost that consumed my very being. I started to pray & fast most earnestly for the baptism. I was at the time reading through the Old Testament and was in the book of Psalms. I prayed to God that He would fill me by the time I got to the Gospel of St. Matthew. I told some people in my church this and was told by a few "you can't put conditions like that in prayer". But I didn't listen to this and continued to petition the Lord with my requests. This went on for months.

At this time I was working nights in a depot for a courier service with another brother, Bro Andy, who had given his life to the Lord shortly after I had done. One night as I was working in my area when Andy came over and said to me "I just had a strange experience and believe I might of have received the baptism of the Holy Ghost". I doubted this, but as I did I heard a voice within me say "just believe". So I just believed and as I did I felt most strange and became overcome with an experience. Both Andy and I were acting like drunk men. We tried to continue with our work the best we could and after our shift had finished we found a quiet office to pray in. We asked the Lord to confirm if we had received the Holy Spirit or not. The following day I sat at my pastors table and shared the experience I had at work. I suddenly became like a drunk again, giggling & slurring my words. The same evening I told Derek about what had happened. Again I was overcome with the drunk feeling. I actually couldn't stand up and fell down like a drunk, while Derek just looked at me smiling. At this time I had just finished reading the book Malachi. My life began to change after this and I was finally settled in my faith. I began to receive more revelations & seemed to grow more in faith. Things seem to go OK after that for a few years as I grew as a babe in Christ.

A few years later I still had some real problems with the flesh and got myself into some very awful situations. I started to doubt if I was filled or not, as I believed that the Holy Ghost would have stopped me doing these terrible things. The devil wasted no time in making my life a misery. I went into deep depression and was filled with guilt with had I had done. I was it seemed back to square one. So, again I was moved to earnestly seek the Lord to let me know if I was filled with His Holy Spirit or not.

On Monday the 16th April 2001 I was talking to a sister on the internet I knew was a prayer warrior. I asked her to pray about my situation and she said she would pray for me but also send me a email of some encouraging Bro. Branham quotes. The following Tuesday I was on the internet looking up encouraging scriptures when I received her email. I opened it and skimmed the quotes briefly. However, I felt led to re-read them and take in what the prophet was saying. As I did I was overcome with emotion and started to weep. Once I had read them, I continued reading my scriptures. I cannot recall what scripture I was reading when I suddenly felt the Holy Spirit fall on me but I was instantly filled. I was suddenly changed and felt completely refreshed, rejuvenated and full of joy. I then knew without a doubt that I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Whatever had happened in the past was in the past. I knew I was filled now and it was all that matters. I knew from that moment in time that my future had changed. The Lord had led me to read Romans chapter 8 and As I read each verse slowly I got a full revelation on that chapter which spoke right into my life.